Dec 22nd.

Funny. I started my first blog about a whole year ago. And I deleted it. Now I'm back. Fuck December  am I rite?

Hah! Fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu x Karkat

I can't sleep right now and I can't help trying not to cry and that kind of sucks dude like majorly because right now I'm just so angry and depressed and I just need to hold her. I need to. But I can't cause she's far away but I'll see her tomorrow and I'll hold her so close and never let her go and god I'll try not to cry but I want her to know that things will be okay and I'll make damn -fucking- sure of it and I've already exceeded my swear limit but FUCK it. I wish I could go back in time and make things AWESOME and hold her from the beginning but I know I can't and there's NOTHING I can do about it and -that- is one of the things that upsets me the most, my own personal feeling of helplessness.

God damn

But I know things will be okay because I'm with her now and I will always be there for her when I can. Exceptthisweekend. God damn it. It's my moms birthday, and I can't be there for her when I feel I really really really fucking need to be. What kind of man am I? I know it's not my fault- It's just inane and horrible timing. I'm full of that lately.

I want her to be okay. I want us to be okay and I know she will be and I know we will be but right now I am having such an EMOTIONAL flop that I can't even DESCRIBE except in my completely honest and insane ramblings going on at present. Don't cry bro, don't cry. There is nothing I can do but hold her when I can, and ALWAYS stay in touch with her. I want to make her feel safe. I want to keep her safe. So fucking helpless I am. It's not my fault but part of me WISHES it was so I could have someone to blame.

I know, I'm not thinking healthy like that, and I'm well aware of my self-degradation and loathing and I accept that because I need that right now to push through and get my emotions out where I can sigh

I

I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Someone -I- could go to, because her emotions are my own at this point with how much I've cried with her. How much my chest has pounded, and tightened, contorting vascular system betwixt my lungs as if a natural form of cutting. God damn that's fairly emotional. 

I just want to talk to someone but I won't. Not without her consent, and that's not something I want to ask for. All I can do is be there for her, and support her. I know she'll get through this, I know one day she'll be courageous and push through and things will be okay, because I will be there for her when it happens.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

I want to hold her

now.

now.

Sigh

Why does this have to suck royally? 

Please, love. Be okay.

Always be okay.